Bizarro 101: A Basic Primer by Wol-vriey

Author:Wol-vriey
Language: eng
Format: azw3
Publisher: Burning Bulb Publishing
Published: 2015-04-01T00:00:00+00:00

For Ze Love of Rosa

(A Legend of Bizarro Mexico)

I tell you ze weird story, me eses.

Rosa, she ees live in ze hut by ze river with her husband Gonzales.

Ze hut ees very small with many rats, and Rosa ees complain everyday to Gonzales: “Why you not man like Alberto Luis now? See, he have ze beeg house and ze beeg gringo car and ze beeg . . .”

“Ah querida,” Gonzales ees always reply, “but nobody ees like Alberto; everyone ees hating heem.”

“Zey ees Jealous of Alberto, ees why!” Rosa always reply with angriness. “Zey ees jealous of heem because he ees rich. If not zat I ees love you I ees leave you and be Alberto’s concubina, even though I too ees hating heem.” Zen she always beat her breasts and sigh, “Oh but I ees love you, Gonzales. I ees not know why zis ees, because you ees poor fool fisherman, but me vuelves loca, Gonzales, even though you are stupid. I ees love you so much, Gonzales, that if I am not see you one day I ees kill myself!”

And Rosa ees starting to cry then.

And Gonzales, he say nothing, because he know how Alberto Luis have all ze beeg house and Americano gringo Ford car and ze plenty cash, and why Rosa ees loving himself so madly so much.

Ees Gonzales fault, hombre, zat Alberto ees so rich and himself so poor. But he not dare to tell Rosa zis.

If he ees foolish and tell her, she ees sure to knife heem while he ees sleeping. Zen she ees madly sorry and kill herself also.

Ees like zis, hombres:

Gonzales and Alberto zey ees eses from since zey ees bambino, okay? Zey ees always together everywhere.

One day zey go fishing on ze river.

Zey catch zis beeg fish. Ze beeg fish ees gold in color, and zey ees thinking how zey ees sell it to Señor Rosen, ze rich gringo with ze fishtank in ees house.

“Ah, ese,” Alberto ees saying, “Today ze Almighty ees smiling on us. If we sell zis gold fish to Señor Rosen, we ees travel to Guadalajara with ze money, and get work zere.”

“Ees true, ese,” Gonzales ees reply, but ees mind ees not zere. He ees thinking about Rosa, who he ees loving, but who ees not loving heem back. In fact she has tell heem zat she knife heem in ze belly if he ever come near her again, and also that she ees love his friend Alberto Luis not heem.

Gonzales, he has not tell Alberto about zis.

Zen ze fish it ees talk to them from inside ze net. “Ah, señors,” it ees say, “you ees not sell me to Señor Rosen, ees you?”

“Ees true, hombre,” Gonzales ees reply. “We ees poor hombres—we sell you for money so that we travel to Guadalajara and become rich and señoritas think we too ees sexy.”

Alberto too ees nod to zis. “Ees true, hombre. But please not talk when we ees with Señor Rosen until we leave, or he not buy you, si?”

“What if I ees trading my eyes for my freedom?” ze fish ees ask.

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